Oh, thou dull and muddy-mettled rascal...My friend, hero and idol RangerSquirrel (a great American) recently blogged about how to insult with eloquence, and it reminded me of my own days of studying The Bard.
Shakespeare. Man, he could really crank out the insults!
Of course, being Zen, one really shouldn't be using insults.
But sometimes... sometimes a situation just BEGS for a comment. It becomes dang near impossible to hold one's tongue.
And in my humble opinion, if you're gonna indulge, you might as well dive all the way in and do it with some panache.
And who had more linguistic flair than Shakespeare!
Try some of these on for size:
- Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch! (Henry IV, part II) (Translation: You stupid guts, you knot-head fool, you detestable obscene greasy lump of fat!)
- Thou art a very superficial, ignorant, unweighing fellow. (Measure for Measure)
- Thou art a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality. (All's Well That Ends Well)
- Thou art baser than a cutpurse. (The Two Noble Kinsmen) (Translation: You are lower than a pickpocket.)
- Thy food is such as hath been belch'd upon by infected lungs. (Ewww!) (Pericles)
- O, teach me how I should forget to think. (Romeo and Juliet) (Translation: Teach me how to be as stupid as you are.)
- Thou thing of no bowels thou! (Troilus and Cressida) (Translation: You're gutless.)
- Thou art the rudeliest welcome to this world. (Pericles)
- Were I like thee I'd throw away myself. (Timon of Athens)
- You are a shallow cowardly hind (peasant), and you lie. (Henry IV, part I)
- Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee. (All's Well That Ends Well)
- Thou art unfit for any place but hell. (Richard III)
- Thy face is not worth sunburning. (Henry V)
I blow my nose at you
I fart in your general direction
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
(You have) the brain of a duck, you know
I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!
You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
On second thought, maybe we better just keep these to ourselves.
Have a safe and fun weekend!
Wow TZ, thanks for the mention and for the follow-up post.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about doing a whole post on just things Churchill said, but I like the Shakespeare approach better...and adding Monty Python?! Icing.
I'll throw some Churchill for good measure:
George Bernard Shaw to Churchill (re: the opening of his new play): "Have reserved two tickets for first night. Come and bring a friend if you have one."
Churchill's response: "Impossible to come first night. Will come to second night if you have one."
Another Churchill classic:
A woman said to Churchill, "Sir, you are drunk."
Churchill's response: "Indeed madam, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober."
One more, can't resist:
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
And now, I return to training 1Ls.
Wow, you really classed the insults up Zen!! I was ready for some Yo' Mamas so...........
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